A little of this and that

So, I haven't been able to go out as much. But I finally got my photos developed. But most of them didn't turn out well and most of them didn't even develop. I'm sad. Anyways, I decided to use the film from online and develop them in a professional place. but some of my photos are artsy, in my opinion. People don't understand that some of my photos are supposed to be like that and it doesn't mean that it has to be a certain way. Anyways, I'm thinking of experimenting with all types of film and decide which one will be best for my camera because I can't seem to figure out which one is best for my Diana F+ CKMY. So, if any of you have that camera, can you please tell me which film is best to use? Please and thank you! (:

Oh, and my sister from college came back also from school and she's been here for roughly 2 weeks. And one of her friends from Boston is staying over at our place. She's really fun and stuff, so it's all good.

And, I've been reading mangas online because I don't want to go buy the whole series which will probably cost a fortune :(. So, I've been reading scans people have posted. And you have to read them from right to left and it's hard to decided which part to read next because it's kind of all over the place and makes me angry because I don't understand it. But I actually saw the anime for it first, so I'm able to comprehend and remember what happened in each scene.

But I really want to get out of the house and such. I'm getting out of the house tomorrow night for sure since I'll be at church for the New Year's eve service and stay till New Years day. So I'll probably get to see some friends and wish them a happy new year and be able to spend the first couple of hours of the New Year with them!

So, I'll end it like this since I have nothing else to post.

:) Goodbye!

Confined, it's not fun.

So, I've been home for the past couple of days, been sick for a day or two and I haven't been getting much sleep. I sleep at 6 am (I need to stop that, or else school will kill me of all my sleep). So I really need to get out of the house before I start hallucinating and such. All my friends have been busy with vacation and such and won't be back till January and school starts in January 4th, so not much time.

Also, since I've been at home, I've been watching Anime and reading mangas (gosh, what has my life come to?) and I have to say that those anime guys are pretty good looking. I can't believe I've a crush on someone who doesn't exist. Sigh, why can't real guys look like that? Anyways, the anime I've been watching are Fruits basket and Special A. Both of which will definitely be going on my Top Ten's list (if I ever get one, that is). So, I kind of need to stop watching those shows before I start getting obsessive over them. I really need to kick up on my life standards.

Oh and New Years is coming up. Getting pretty excited for that because 2010 will soon be around the corner! Also, as a tradition in Korea, my siblings and I will be doing this bowing thing and saying to our parents good luck for the New Year and we get money. Anyways, I need to have a New Year's Resolution and stick to it. My top ones will probably be to exercise more and focus more on my studies. I also need to stick to this blog, too. I need a way to vent out my thoughts and such and this is a perfect way!

Thank you, Blogger.

So, I need to make plans for this week to help me escape from my house (not literally). I'm going to meet up with my long lost best friend sometime soon and my friend got a film camera called a Diana F+ and I got one for my birthday a while back so we're going to get together and play with our cameras! :) That reminds me, I need to call her. And finally I need to chill with my best buddies as in hopes to help me revive from staying home for too long.

Well, I need to go make a call.
Ciao!

Expired eggnog and stale cookies.

So Christmas has finally arrived!

And all this morning, I've been making cookies. 3 different kinds, too. So, I'm very tired right now and I want to sleep, but I'm also hungry. Stupid. But I can't wait for dinner. I've already opened my presents which consisted of shoes, a belt (I needed one so badly. My pants kept on falling down), and some girl neccesities.

And I've also been writing, so here's a litle preview of my writing style. Take note that this is NOT based on my life or anyone elses. Completely made from my imagination.

* * *

“YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE BORN!”

These words were repeated in our house, daily. I used to think nothing of it, for it always seemed like they would use it against me all the time. I was simply, not bothered by it. I was always thinking they were lying to me and that my parents knew they were going to have me, that they wanted to have me. But by the way they were treating me, as if I’m some sort of rat living within their corridors, I started to believe that maybe, just maybe , I was an accident. That maybe my mother had forgotten to take her birth control pill the month that I was made

I was right.

The secret was revealed. I wasn’t supposed to be born. I was just an accident. I felt disgusted by this, by the fact that I wasn’t made purposely but because the fact that a condom had failed or the birth control wasn’t working. It haunted me day and night, nothing felt right anymore. Nothing felt real anymore. I was living a lie and day by day I, myself, didn’t want to live anymore. I was slowly starting to believe that it would have been better off not even being made.

I felt betrayed and rejected by my parents. By this point, they have no right to be called my parents. They were equivalent to a pair of strangers walking down a street, in my mind.

I also recall when Eunjoo was angrily talking to me about how if I wasn’t born, she could have had more things in her life, more valuable things other than a sister. She blamed it all on me for having to pay more insurance and to pay more for bills. If we didn’t have to pay all those extra bills, they could have gotten a better house, better household items, better lives. It wasn’t really my fault though, right? I didn’t fondle with fate, pleading and begging to it down on my knees just so I could be born.

But then, why not ask the obvious? Why didn’t they just put me up for adoption? Abortion?

If they were to do so, their reputation would have gone down the toilet. Koreans were very prideful, indeed. They fooled everyone into thinking that they were a happy family, that we all had happy lives. Could the people not see behind my forced smile? The sadness that glistened in my eyes? The hopelessness that controlled every movement in my body?

I wanted to scream.

I wanted someone to hear my voice and the anger in my voice that rose above all others, the thoughts that go through my mind when confronting my siblings. I would always give a stoic face to my siblings whenever we fought, giving no hint of emotion and not saying a word. But my mind was going out of control, I was thinking horrible thoughts, thinking of different ways I could have confronted this situation. But I was weak.

I was always weak.

I couldn’t bring myself to say what was in my mind. I was being held captive in my own mind; I was a slave to myself. I was always scared of my siblings and their doings, so I commanded my body to stay low and do as little as possible. I had to walk away from my obstacles and not be able to overcome them and I had to wait for what fate would throw in front of me, because, quite frankly, that was all I could do.

I would stay hidden in the depths of my room, no sound could be heard. I would always find myself thinking over the same thoughts day after day. Could I escape from this evil world? Was there a loophole in life that I just simply missed? What were my consequences? But these wandering questions stayed unanswered for they were questions that could never be answered.

Years and years had passed and yet, I was still confined in this place. I had no plans, I had no escape, and I had no answer. If I wanted to live again, I would have to leave the place from where it all started.

And I did.

I ran away.

I ran away, hoping to find a place where everything seemed right, where I could actually smile again, with hope. And yes I did. I found the place where I could start anew, where my past didn’t matter to anyone, and where no one knew of my horrible past. I have a big skeleton in my closet and I’m hoping that I would never have to open that closet again and bring out the past that still haunts me to this day. The thing that corrupted my mind and world.

Day by day, I was starting to feel stronger and confident in this new living environment. I was actually, happy. I had a life, friends, and love. That was all I needed, right? I couldn’t possibly ask for more. But there was one more thing I needed.

I needed strength.

And by this point, I think I’ve pursued it.

“Hey, hey! I think she’s coming back to us!”

Because I need it to live my life, again.

Reunited.

So, I went to sleep at 9pm, yesterday. I tried to sleep, but woke up at 11pm. My insomniac is coming back. Anyways, it's 4 AM, my favorite time, and I just finished talking to one of my long lost best friend. Yes, she was seriously gone for half of my life and now I found her.

Thank you, facebook.

So we chatted for about an hour. Not much has changed between us, except how much we have grown and all that nonsense. Some things she told me were not that surprising to me, just because the fact that when we were younger, she had a horrible childhood that no other child could ever overcome. But she's completely over it now, and yes, I have to say that her childhood has corrupted her into what she is today. But I still love her for that, and that might be the many reasons why I became her best friend in kindergarten besides her asking, "Want to be friends?" during our very first recess.

I'm glad we got to reunite, because she has molded me into what I am today. We did absolutely everything together, from taking baths together, to pretty much living over at each other houses. But when I moved in the 3rd grade, we pretty much were seperated and we lost all contact between each other ever since. I've been wondering when I would ever see her again and this was not one of the many wonders I was thinking of. But it's still pretty neat.

But whenever I think back into our past, I always remember this one memory we had. It was between the 1st or 2nd grade and we were at recess. We made all these weird markings in the mulch and we persuaded the whole class that aliens or some mythical creature was upon us and they were giving us signs. It worked. But the funny thing is, is that after that day, I've been getting hit with balls during recess. I remember I was on the swingset, and then all of a sudden a soccerball came right at me and knocked me off the swings and same when I was on the teeter-totter.

It was karma.

And I still remember when we would talk about our crushes and all that stuff. Now that I think back on it, I kind of wonder what I saw in those boys that made me like them.

Anyways, it's 4 AM and I need to get some shut eye before I'm completely knocked out all day, especially since it's Christmas Eve.

Goodnight, World.

Daily dose of average

So, it's day two with this blog.

Not much happening nowadays. Winter break has finally been unleashed and yet, I haven't done anything productive. Gonna be staying home for the holidays-stayvacation as you can call it, so yeah. Not that much excited for Christmas. Ever since the last 2 years, I haven't been that excited for Christmas and all the presents. I feel like all the fun is being sucked out of my life. What a sad change.

Oh, I went over to my friend's house today! Haven't been to her house in ages, so that was exciting. Got my photo taken for her blog. We didn't do much, but it was fun reuniting with her over the holidays. We were going to hang out at the mall, but it got too crowded because of the 'last-minute Christmas shopping' haze that was happening there. We left and decided to go to her place. But before then, we stopped at a Frozen Yogurt place-Yogurt World. That's such...an unenthusiastic name for a yogurt place, I have to say. It's new in town and you 'self serve' yourself the yogurt. The containers were huge. And my friend didn't know how to turn it off, so some yogurt spilled all over the place.

Sorry Yogurt World, it was an accident.

So after playing silly with the fro-yo, we saw a mechanical Santa outside. It had a button and we played it. It started singing, which wasn't that attractive, and we decided to leave. I think it was kind of rude to leave a robot Santa in the middle of his singing.

Sorry singing Santa, we had to leave. We'll come back again later to hear the rest of the song.

I was car-pooling with a friend(Yay! Environtmentally good!), and she had a VolksWagon Bug. So, during the car ride, I was watching people(Majority kids) see the car and start playing the infamous game 'Punch buggy no punch back'. I saw 9 nine kids in total punch each other crazy during the ride to her place.

Also, my friend lives in her neighborhood, and while driving by, I saw her going into someone's house. So I texted her telling her that I just saw her walking into a house. She told me I was a creeper. I simply think I was a ninja by that point, because it was perfect timing and such.

So that was pretty much how my day went. Not much exciting, but rather amusing.

Oh, it's 12:04 AM.
Merry Christmas Eve, World!

Time Travel

Recently, I've been into writing.

Not those sappy stories where it starts with "Once upon a time..." or is a school assignment that is an essay.

I want to look deep down in thoughts where it sort of hurts to think back on, but is a soft spot, where no one cares to look at. Something that makes me giddy like how I felt once I got a text or call from someone I had a crush on. I feel like writing helps me express my inner thoughts (how cheesy is that?) and I want to use my writing to help mold myself into the person I've wanted to be for so long (does that make sense?).

On the down side, though, I've been reading other good short stories by many other anonymous writers online and it pushes me down by the fact of how good they are and how much thought and detail they put into their work. As much as I hate to say this, I don't really think my writing skills can match up to anyones because of how trashy it is and how incoherent it sounds.

So, if anyone is out there listening/reading this, are you willing to help?